Title: Thoughts 2
Author: Athena13 (athena13@geocities.com)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A warrior’s thoughts

Disclaimer: These works are fiction stories based on the series 
Battlestar Galactica and its characters created and owned by Glen A. 
Larson. These stories are not being sold for profit and no infringement 
of any copyright rights are intended. All unrecognized characters and 
plot lines are mine and copyright protection is claimed. Any                
resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.

Dedication: OAD!!
~~~~~~~~~

Something is going on.  I can see it in his eyes.  I can feel it 
whenever we’re in the same room.  He has something to say to me but he 
can’t say it.  My heart sinks when I try to imagine what he could be so 
afraid to say to me.  Honestly, there is only one thing.  And it’s 
killing me.

He’s going to propose to her.  He’s going to get sealed to Cassi. 

I honestly feel nauseous when I think about it.  Which is all the time.  
This has been going on for over a secton now and I’m going insane.  The 
man is a part of our family and I see him everywhere – except when 
we’re at work.  Then I only hear his voice over the comm!  Oh yeah, I 
hear it in his voice too.  I swear one of these cycles I’m going to 
grasp him by the shirtfront and force him to spit it out.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to hear it, but I think the waiting is 
worse at this point.  Wait. No.  The words, the actions will be worse 
than the waiting. Frak.  I’ve got to get hold of myself or people are 
going to begin to notice my turmoil.  And I’ve worked really hard to 
get where I am right now as a person.

I admit it; I used to be really impulsive.  Now I’m just a little 
impulsive.  Well, how impulsive you might ask. How about very?  Once I 
even turned the steam purge on Starbuck and his girlfriend when I he 
ditched me and I caught them “together.”  They could have been hurt.  
That’s what I mean by “too” and “very” impulsive.  I still try and have 
fun and try not to second-guess myself too much.  I guess you could say 
I’ve grown up a lot since then.  I would never put someone’s health or 
safety at risk like that ever again.  I’m not saying it has been easy, 
I’m just a very stubborn and determined person.  Ask anyone.

But not so stubborn that I don’t know when to back down.  Like with 
Starbuck.  I tried really hard to get things back on track after my 
impulsive and hopeless rejection of his “proposal.”  He didn’t say the 
word Sealing, but I knew my Starbuck.  I didn’t know myself very well 
then and it wasn’t until later, when I saw him with the woman I now 
know to be Cassi, that I realized what I had done and what he had 
meant.  Yeah, that was another example of my impulsiveness.  I think it 
would have been excusable if the consequences weren’t so huge.

But I digress.  I know when to back down.  After it became obvious that 
Starbuck was settling down with Cassi and that he and I were just 
slaughtering something that had died long ago, I backed off.  For a 
while, well a few days, I stayed away from him.  Don’t laugh!  Going 
days without seeing Starbuck is not an easy task on a battlestar.  I 
told you he’s a member of my family.  But after depriving myself of 
oxygen, well him, for days I approached him with a friendly and 
unconcerned demeanor.  Since then we’ve become friends.

Which brings up another point.  Not only has he seemed strange the past 
secton, he’s been avoiding being alone with me.  We used meet up every 
few days and do something together without the rest of the family.  
Play pyramid, practice Triad (I am pretty good thank you, I am half of 
the female Fleet champion team), take Boxey to the Rejuvenation Center 
(once I could bring myself back in there, which Starbuck was a big help 
with) or just grab lunch or dinner.  It wasn’t scheduled or anything 
and sometimes a secton or more might go by with both of us too busy, 
but that’s not the case now.  I’ve run into him, often where we used to 
meet on our impromptu, and dare I say impulsive, outings and he’s 
avoided me.  Pretended he doesn’t see me, make a lame excuse that he 
can’t do anything right then or something. Nothing I can’t see through.

So there is definitely something he’s afraid to tell me.  And I am so 
damned scared to hear it.  Truth is, I still love him.  Madly.  Deeply.  
Lords, how I would love to run my fingers through his hair sometimes 
when we’re just standing somewhere alone and talking.  Or over his 
entire body.  Whatever.  I never thought I would regret not sleeping 
with someone right away.  I do now.  It’s not that I’m a virgin, 
because I’m not.  And I’m not a tease.  I told Starbuck right off where 
I was coming from.  I just didn’t want to sleep with anyone unless I 
was in a committed relationship and that wasn’t meant to pressure, it 
was just the truth.  I’ve known him most of my life, he’s my brother’s 
best friend, he knew I wasn’t playing games.

Believe me, it’s not that I wasn’t tempted.  Who wouldn’t be?  It was 
an issue of self-respect.  But truthfully, it was also an issue of 
respecting him and proving it.  

Most women put out for him.  I’ve always known that.  My brother isn’t 
as slick as he likes to think, and Zac told me everything anyway.  I 
was trying to show him that I was spending time with him because I 
wanted to and not because I wanted anything out of it for myself. That 
I wasn’t just another woman who wanted the prestige of having scored 
with Starbuck.  He does have discriminating taste, sleeping with him 
was, is, like a badge of honor.  Other men used him as a pre-screening 
process for their beds. He was like a one man consumer’s bureau.  I 
wanted him to know that if I slept with him it was because I wasn’t 
going anywhere, but because I loved _him_.  That I wasn’t going to 
leave him like everyone else always had (other than my father and 
brother).

But to be honest, there are nights, many nights, I wish I hadn’t been 
so sensible. Nights I damn myself for having selective impulsiveness.  
Nights...that just don’t matter anymore I guess.  Because sooner or 
later Starbuck is going to tell me his thoughts.  And I’m going to have 
to stand by his side as he gets Sealed to another woman.  A smile and a 
bunch of flowers hiding my broken heart.

END
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