Title: Different
Author: Athena13
Classification: A, MSR
Spoilers: The Beginning, Duane Barry, Beyond the Sea
Summary: Eventually all things and people need to become 
different.
Disclaimer: Yeah, well, if I owned them would I be writing 
this??
Copyright 1998
Archiving: Not without my permission
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/6439

________

The knock came at the door right on time.  She knew, after 
all this time, exactly when he would come to her.  Seeking 
comfort and affirmation.  It had been like this for so long 
she couldn't remember what it was like to be alone.  
Sometimes she wanted to remember.  But she was always here, 
waiting.

Tonight she didn't move.  Tonight she could not find the 
strength to prop him up.  Tonight the weakness was hers.

"Let yourself in Mulder," she called out with a sigh.

She heard his key turn in the lock and the door open behind 
her.  She felt his hesitation.  No matter how many times he 
had come, that had never changed.

"Scully?" he called out into the dark room.

"Over here," she said quietly.  She could see him swing his 
head around in surprise.  She could feel the change in the 
air the moment he caught site of her silhouette in the dim 
light coming through the window.  Still she did not turn 
around.

He saw her, sitting huddled in a blanket looking out the 
window.  She looked like a child.  Even under the cover of 
the quilt he could see that she was sitting in a fetal 
position.

She knew that he would come.  He always did.  She thought 
it was because he needed her strength, but deep down it was 
because he knew she needed his.  Her need to be strong and 
be needed.  They complimented each other that way.  But he 
had been waiting.  Waiting for her to finally admit, even 
indirectly, that she needed these visits just as much as he 
did.

It was another terrifying case.  Another time when she hid 
her fear behind stubborn denial and claims of science.  
Even as she ignored the empirical evidence she had gathered 
over the years of their quest.  Despite all she had seen.  
And it was another time that he lashed out in frustration.  

This time, however, was different.  There was this "thing" 
hanging between them.  His declaration of feelings.  Her 
acceptance of them.  Her refusal to let him bring the 
matter up again.  The return of his ex-wife.  His refusal 
to disclose the past connection he knew she had surely 
discovered by now.  His cruel siding with the past.  No, 
this time was different.

When he knocked on her door, he knew that this post-trauma 
meeting would be different too.

And it was.  He found her huddled in the dark.  Not fixing 
a dinner and making polite chit chat to put him at ease.

"He came in this window in my old apartment.  Duane Barry," 
her words broke into his silent contemplation of her.

He closed his eyes as the images of that past hell washed 
over him.  She never spoke of it.  No things were 
definitely different.

"I was on the phone with you.  I saw his shadow.  He broke 
through the window and came for me.  I don't know why I 
couldn't stop him.  I know how to protect myself.  Somehow 
he overpowered me," she continued.

Mulder felt his heart begin to pound.  In her words were 
one of his deepest fears.  With a gun in her hand she knew 
how to defend herself and take down even the largest of 
enemies.  Her hand to hand combat skills had improved 
considerably since that long ago confrontation.  But 
nothing could negate her small size.  There would always be 
someone who could overpower her skills once she lost the 
advantage of offense.  It was why he ditched her so many 
times.  That fear of his.  She knew and she always forgave.  
Until now.  Until he ran off with someone else.  Ran off 
with his ex-wife.

Mulder approached Scully slowly.  He placed his hand on her 
shoulder.  Letting her know he was there, but loath to stop 
her sudden and unexpected disclosures.

"Sometimes I still see his shadow out my window, even 
though I know he's dead and I know I don't live on the 
first floor here.  Maybe it's not him.  Maybe it's everyone 
else who has tried to hurt me.  Everyone you've saved me 
from."

"You saved yourself Scully," he corrected her.

She ignored his interruption.  "But when it's you who hurts 
me, I don't know what to do.  How do I hold out and wait 
for you to tip the odds in my favor."

Ah.  Now he understood.  It was different tonight.  Tonight 
she was saying the words.  After years of being the more 
emotional partner, Scully was finally expressing her need.  
Her need for comfort and affirmation.

Mulder sighed and crouched down behind her.  He put his 
arms around her neck and lay his head against hers.  "I'd 
save you even from myself Scully."

Control.  She watched the control she coveted and held dear 
slip away over the horizon.  She was tired of it.  She was 
tired of being strong.  She was tired of being logical.  
She was just tired of it all.  Not of the journey, not the 
quest and not of her partner.  But she was tired of living 
by rules.  Rules of her own creation.  Rules created by 
others.  For once, despite the darkness of the room, she 
could see clearly.

Rules and control were just covers.  Covers for a fear she 
admitted to her partner so many years ago as he lay on a 
hospital bed.  Covers for the emotions she would not allow 
herself to admit.  Covers for the lack of control that 
seethed beneath the surface.  It was a cowardly tactic.  
And it was costly.  It had cost her love in the past.  It 
might one day cost her Mulder.  And that was a price she 
wasn't willing to pay.

"I don't need you to save me from you Mulder," she said 
with renewed strength.  "I need to save myself from myself.  
You need to save you from you."

Mulder smiled.  As always he understood her words, her 
intent.  The hidden meanings and inflections, as always, 
captured.  She wanted to stop running as she had been these 
last months since their return from Antarctica.  And even 
longer than that if truth be told.  Stop running from her 
fears.  Stop running from him.  How could he not 
understand.  It wasn't until that hallway a scant few 
months ago that he realized he himself had been running.  
Running from his fears.  Running from her.

No, actually, it was before that.  It was when he heard 
Diana's voice agreeing with him.  Right after Scully had 
questioned what he was doing.  The dichotomy between the 
two women became obvious.  What he had avoided all those 
years became obvious.  

"I think I need saving from more than myself, but it will 
do for now," Mulder stood up and walked around the chair.  
"I'm not sure I remember how to do this, but I am sorry.  I 
am sorry I led you to believe that I trusted Diana more 
than you.  I'm sorry I denied your part in all this."

Scully let out a laugh.  He actually apologized.  If that 
didn't belong in the record books, she didn't know what 
did.  "I'm sorry to.  I'm sorry if...I'm just sorry.  I know 
what I have seen.  What we have seen.  I am trying to 
balance that.  Trying to keep us grounded.  I'm just not 
sure how to do that anymore."

Mulder sat down, his back to the chair.  He felt her hand 
come up and begin to stroke his hair.  "That wasn't so 
hard.  Wonder what took us so many years."

Scully laughed again.  "Yeah well, who knows.  Maybe next 
we'll start saying hello and goodbye," she teased.

"Let's not get carried away Scully."

"Are you sure?" she asked in a quieter and more serious 
tone than her previous comments.

Mulder stiffened in shock at the words.  This was a more 
different night than he had ever thought possible.  He 
slowly turned around until he was on his knees before her.  
He reached a hand out and placed it on her face. 

He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't find the words.

Scully placed her hand over his and shook her head.  The 
words didn't need to be said.  They never did.  It just had 
to finally be accepted, by both of them at the same time.

Now was the time.

She leaned forward, raising herself on her knees.  She 
placed her lips against his.  A tentative gentle pressure.  

Mulder snaked his hand around and clasped the back of her 
neck.  As he touched that part of her that seemed to be the 
symbol for all their fears he felt tears come to his eyes.  

"Now?" he whispered through the tears in his throat.

"Yes," she answered just as quietly.

He placed his lips against hers.  This time the pressure 
was real.  And the two people began a new journey.  
Together.

Yes, tonight was different.

END
Athena13@geocities.com